The End

Last night, a good friend send me a song.

Jason Reeves
The End

the end is such a scary place to start
everything is torn apart
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end, there's no reason to pretend
i know you won't be back again
i gotta find a way from here..

i don't know where i'll fall down
but i'm sure to hit the ground..

cause it's not over till it's over
every ending's a new beginning
one more chance to get it right
one more chance to get it wrong
its not over till it's over
sometime's nowhere leads to somewhere
and it all starts again
in the end

and it's such a scary place to be
everything is in between
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end i see it's all up to me
to figure out where i should be
im gonna find a way from here

i dont know where i'll fall down
but im sure to hit the ground...




I am going to make many chances..
to get it right or wrong.
But I am going to find a way..

Then let the brightest spark in me be.

1 Cor 1:4
Our dedication to Christ makes us look like fools.. (NLT)

Today's meeting with YL opened my eyes.
Intimacy is on-call. A literacy I need to have.

What a revelation.
What a message for those who seen all else failed.
I can take it.
I can take it.
I can take it.

I can inspire.
Then let the brightest spark in me be.
Your dedication may be a spark in the darkness.
And it makes you look like a fool amongst.

But the attention in being a spark.. inspires.

Tomorrow is a big day for me.
Will I be able?

聽見了嗎?

"Do you laugh when you see yourself?"
I cannot answer that question without asking..

"Am I that bad?"



The joyous moment for me today..
My antibody in Australia succeeded.
After 2 years.
What a feeling.

Driving home from Jurong West.
I spent my joy alone.
Tearing as I thought "我不行了".
聽見了嗎?

But the Clown kept giving.

A service that calls upon Forgiveness.

As I sat there, a message came in..
"Hey u gg Svc?? Prepare your heart, be very very open ok.."
"Please come forward to pray to help."

And when the cue came, I went forward.
I felt like a lost stranger.
It was like a message for my own self.
But I cannot seem to hear the instructions.

As I made my way, I saw this young gentleman.
We introduced. His name was Victor.
And I prayed over him.
Suddenly, he hugged me.
The disappointments in him. I saw a boy lost.

I am crying on the inside because I was hurt too.
But when I felt him cry on my shoulders.
I knew God has sent me.
He sobbed and wept.
And strangely, I kept smiling..
Telling him, "I believe in you."

I wished someone would have told me the same thing.
He thanked me, asked for my name, felt at peace and disappeared as quickly as he came.

After the party, there was another young boy.
He was on his own.
But when he saw me dressed clownish and singing clownish, he started laughing.
It was as if, I was the only friend he ever had in the room.

I rolled on the floor. Not because I was playful but I was erasing my tears.
I sang on the floor. Not because I was hearty but I was trying not to cry.
I looked like a fool. So that He is glorified.

The stage was both my friend and my battle.
But in a day, God led me to these 2.
In a day, so many people thanked the Clown and John Lennon.
Everyone said, "It was huge awesome."
John Lennon said, "I saw the Giant Battle you fought. Thank you."

But the Clown kept giving.
Quietly he walked away.

Because it was the only way to forgive.. when you are the Clown.
Giving and then walk away.
I have done my best.
God, I have done my best.

Stage, was it funny?

The Stage.
You were my friend and my battle.
You knew how hard it was for someone like me.

Each laughter and each dance.
There is so much hidden.
I was losing my definitions.

To the Clown inside.
You kept giving.
You just kept pouring.
Well done to you.
Dorian Gray is your name.
You are forever my alter ego.

You were the most unhappy person last night.
But you gave.
And I am really very proud of you. Really.
That was the most important thing.

What a giant battle it was.
But you kept loving where there is no love.
But you kept giving where there is no one giving back.
But you kept going where no one else dared.

Stage, was it funny?

"I can't stand up BUT I can't fall down.."

I was playing the guitar to this song last night..

Dishwalla - "Somewhere In The Middle"

I was out the other day
and I saw you in your big black car
and I was waving as you were passing
cause I know who you are
you had this look that of an angel
it was such a bad disguise
did you think for second I would not realize

[Chorus]
Tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this

I was out the other night
and I saw you so we had a fight
it was late and I was lonely
and its such a long way home
so I asked you if you'd join me
for a single last call drink
so you turned and bought us 2
and you didn't even blink
you had this look that of an angel
it was such a bad disguise
when you drink it makes you angry
when I drink I want you more and more and more

well I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
but I don't like the way things are
and I keep falling to my knees
somewhere in the middle of this


_______________________________________________

I was really rocking it last night.
Strange. Old songs are really amazing.
Sweat it all out.
The next morning felt better.

It is good when you have completed what you promised.
I kept my word.
It is good what you delivered what governs your values.
I kept my sanity.

I feel more alive now.
"I can't stand up BUT I can't fall down.."

That is what I am feeling today.
Can-do. Everyone is counting on me.

The Whole World Spins last night

Cranberries is calling me again.

Quite a few people asked me..
Why Cranberries Empty?

They are my idol.
I practically know every song from them and the year it was made.
It's a song.
A beautiful song.
My fav song of all times.

The Cranberries - Empty (I heard it way back 1995)

Something has left my life
And I don't know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it's not what I was seeking.

Didn't you see me, didn't you hear me
Didn't you see me standing there

Why did you turn out the lights
Did you know that I was sleeping

Say a prayer for me
Help to feel the strength I did
My identity has been taken
Is my heart breaking on me

All my plans fell though my hands
They fell
Though my hands on me
In my obvious it suddenly seems
Empty

One of the best versions I have ever heard..
Listen to last part she mentioned..
I got to thank her for her words of wisdom sometimes..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFJobTbNgtU&feature=related

Ironically, today's entry is also 12/04/2010..


Maybe.. Cranberries is calling me again.

Conviction is waiting salvation.

Yesterday was really painful.
I wasn't really myself.

It wasn't fun sitting at a corner.
Trying to be friendly.
Trying to answer questions.

Performing a song.
I believe what I could believe for.
I taught what I could taught.

But I guess.
Someday.
Sometime.

It's simple.

Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. - Vaclav Havel

I am deeply hurt. But with making a lot of sense.
So help me.

"It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."
Lamentations 3:26

Conviction is waiting salvation.

I am reminded

I am reminded of 2 QTs.
Thank you.
I am reminded.

(A) Tears of a prophet

[God’s message to Judah, delivered by Jeremiah, was not popular with the people. On one occasion, King Jehoiakim had Jeremiah’s written prophecies read to him. As each part was read, the king took his knife and cut them up. Then he burned them in the fire. He thought he could destroy the Word of God.

The book of Lamentations was also written by Jeremiah. He wrote it to describe the terrible destruction of Jerusalem. Some have described Lamentations as “a funeral dirge for Jerusalem.” In the Greek translation of the Old Testament, which was made in the third century before Christ, Lamentations is called “The Tears of Jeremiah.” Each of the five chapters of Lamentations is a poem.

Jeremiah, “the weeping prophet,” is a good example. Preachers are often persecuted for preaching the truth. Jeremiah sometimes became discouraged, but he never quit (Jeremiah 20:9). Preachers, who truly love God and the souls of men, will never quit (2 Timothy 4:2-5).

Jeremiah was like Jesus in many ways. On one occasion, Jesus asked His disciples, “Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?” They replied, “Some say John the Baptist, some Elijah, and others Jeremiah, or one of the prophets” (Matthew 16:14). Many who saw Jesus were reminded of Jeremiah. Jeremiah loved the people.]

There is a huge dichotomy of a prophet faithful to God and faithful over people.
This dichotomy will lead to the greatest identity.
The same dichotomy that requires you to give and yet forgive.
You will be caught in the intersection of love. But for 2 different loves.
How will you forgive?
How will you live this dichotomy?


(B) To the Gate Beautiful

[God ordering his steps, put the lame man at the gate at the same time He told Peter and John to come up to the temple. At the same time the church was packed full of worshippers. God will let you be at the right place at the right time with the right people to get what you need from the Lord. The bible says, Peter and John went to him and said look on us, maybe you couldn’t have always said look on us, cause maybe you weren’t where you are right now because just a few chapters ago Peter was cursing, just a few chapters ago Peter was hiding, just a few chapters ago Peter was fishing, just a few chapters ago Peter was trying to get away from his ministry, but something happened.

Look on us. The bible says that he looked on them expecting to receive something. He didn’t quite have the faith to expect to receive a miracle. Still operating in the practical, perhaps envisioning money; but one thing is for certain he expected something to happen. If you want to provoke God to move on your behalf you got to expect to receive something. I don’t know exactly what it is, I am not exactly sure what is going to happen, but I am going to expect God to do something. That’s what gets you up and out of that bed on Sunday, not some religious routine, but an expectation that God is going to do something and you don’t want to miss it. Something may change, something may get rearranged, carry me if you have to just don’t let me miss my something from God. Something happens when you sacrifice, something happens when you press your way, something happens when you fight your way, something happens when you step over your flesh and say, “though you slay me yet shall I trust in you.”]

John 21:18 has happened.
2 men at Gate Beautiful.
Like 2 hands that clasp unto something.

Gate Beautiful was made of Corinth brass and the intersection for charity.
But these 2 men were the intersection of God's charity.
The 9th hour was the same hour Jesus died (2-3pm).
This is the same time. This was the same intersection.

That was why Peter said, "look unto us."
"Silver and Gold I do not have, but what I have I give you.."

"I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don't want to go."

Now he is giving out of this.
What will you give out of?

Best Pickup Lines

.. from a Christian point.

1. Nice bible"
2. "I would like to pray with you"
3. "You know Jesus? Me too!"
4. "God told me to come talk to you"
5. "I know a church where we could go and talk"
6. "How about a hug, sister?"
7. "Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy."
8. "Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!"
9. "Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11"
10. "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
11. "What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?"
12. "I am here for you."
13. "The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the
hungry," So...how about dinner?"
14. "You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."
15. "You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?"
16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"
17. "Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all
my heart and wait on hand and foot?"
18. "Nice bracelet. 'What would Jesus date? Uh, I mean *do*'"
19. "Do you believe in Divine appointment?"
20. "Have you ever tried praying at a drive in before?"
21. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."
22. "My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really
nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah that's his name."
23. "You know, they say that you have never really dated, until you have
dated a Christian."
24. "Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."
25. "What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace by candle light."
26. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy
kiss'?"
27. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."
28. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."
29. "I'm pretty flexible - I don't think a woman should be submissive on
the first date."
30. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."
31. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."
32. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."

I will beat the hell out of hell

On my way to my new workplace for my very first meeting..

I was excited.
Yet I was feeling a little lost.

Got to meet people in the team.
I wished I had more a familiar face.

Before I left, boss said something interesting..
"You are a leader in your personal life and church right?
Yeah that is what I would like you to do for the team as well.."

Just the night before, YL was just asking me about direction..
"We need to raise up leaders. But without compromising the quality throughout.
And sometimes it is the window of time we need to step in and step up, if not, we miss the kairos."

Everything seems to require my input.
I am needed.
Even required to forgive.
I have been given a privilege.

Will I be strong?
May I be strong.

Psalm 23:5-6

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.

Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place."

This oil mentioned is not used for temperate climatic conditions but instead in hot climate. The point is to protect from excessive perspiration. Whom the oil symbolizes, it is to fit them to engage more freely in His service and run in the way He directs-in heavenly fellowship with Him. - Amplified Translation

This is the sensation I am feeling.
I feel like crying.
I am still crying.
But there is a beckoning that covers me.
I want to let go of my mess.
But there is a forgiving spirit.

Quite a lot of people told me:
Be angry.
You have a right.

I love them all. They meant well.
My answer: No. I won't do.
I will hold true to my words.
I will beat the hell out of hell.

Because there is conditioner over what we say.
Everything has been placed before me so that I can engage.
Not whether I have a choice. But I have to rebound.
A week is really too short. But probably that is why it is called no time.
I am very emotional. But probably that is why it is called grace.
Esp. when I am most tired.. even perspiring.

Will I be strong?
May I be strong.

David, did you feel that way?

An anointing out of pain

I heard a kicking read today:

"Time will help you through
But it doesn't have the time
To give you all the answers to the never-ending why"

Though it may be a little late. But I found a little nugget of truth here.
Everyone is telling me that time will heal.
Time isn't going to help find any more answers other than the ones you already got.
But instead: to transit from this point to another.

I have a distance to cover now.
To the end of this road.

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

The definition of time is found on the last verse.
A time to mix in His goodness and mercy.
That is the time that must be spend for the rest of journey.
By dwelling in His House forever.

There aren't more answers. But a preparation.
An anointing out of pain.
A constructed purpose through time.

Because. I was forgiving.

Last night, I watched an amazing drama production.
About a man who forgave.

I teared when I heard the phase:
"You have paid for my life"
I teared when I heard the phase:
"Everything was done so you would come"

I have to surface above lies.
The perceptions and the words that I tried to protect.
Sometimes I wonder whether I am being insane.
Trying to protect the victimizer.

I questioned Forgiving.
Because I feel that the perpetrator has gotten away.
The perpetrator has talked to everyone but me.
While I kept silent as everyone listened. No one asked me, "how are you?"

Now leaving me to live with lies.
And a suitcase full of giving.

I washed down with beer.
I wanted to cry. But I want to forgive.
Blue Jazz was the first place we met.
I preached about "love" and "second chances".
The reply instead was: you are unusual.
I am caught into the intersection of crying and holding back.
Because those words were all too familiar.
And it makes me feel that it is all my fault.
Finally, the tears rolled as I was drove alone.

"Do battle is the only way we feel"
The battle is on the inside of me.
My tears are my way of battle.
Because.
I was.. forgiving.

Alibi
30 Seconds to Mars

No warning sign, no alibi
We faded faster than the speed of light
Took our chance, crashed and burned
No we'll never ever learn

I fell apart, but got back up again
And then I fell apart, but got back up again yeah

We both could see, crystal clear
That the inevitable end was near
Made our choice, a trial by fire
Do battle is the only way we feel

I fell apart, but got back up again
And then I fell apart, but got back up again
And then I fell apart, but got back up again

Way-oh [x6]

So here we are, reaching out
The quickest tongue to divide and devour
Divide and devour
If I could end the quest for fire
For truth, for love, and my desire
Myself

And I fell apart, but got back up again

Original (my fav)

100 Suns

It hurts to sleep now..

I woke up @ 9am..
Taking pictures all around Singapore.
With a swollen arm, blistered toes..
Finally delivering everything that I promised.

I slept under a void deck just to wait for a second chance.

A sorry via messenger is really no sorry.

Instead, I got insulted.

I didn't step down because it is my faith.
It is - I am hurt. My heart is full of wrath.
Out of the heart, words that come out will build or destroy.

I love and not want.
If I did, I would have done things unreasonable.
I would want revenge. I would spread and get back. But I didn't.

Now everyone knows.
But no one gave me a call to ask me how am I.
No one cheered for me.
Now everyone looks at me with an eye.

I am so tired of crying.
I am so tired of swelling.
I am so tired of being accused.
I am so tired of trying to forgive.

I want.. nothing.

Thirty Seconds to Mars
100 Suns


I believe in nothing
Not the end and not the start
I believe in nothing
Not the earth and not the stars
I believe in nothing
Not the day or not the dark
I believe in nothing
But the beating of our hearts

I believe in nothing
100 suns until we part
I believe in nothing
Not in sin and not in God
I believe in nothing
Not in peace and not in war
I believe in nothing
But the truth in who we are